


Mayhem

by taishige



Category: Arashi (Band), TOKIO, V6
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crazy insanity, Explosions and fire, M/M, Past Relationships, Rampant Language, Taichi the gangster, Things that should kill you but don't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 13:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taishige/pseuds/taishige
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU! Nino and Jun are reporters and face their most combobulated scoop yet!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mayhem

**Author's Note:**

> My je_holiday fic written for ltgmars. I definitely had way too much fun with this, and while I haven't written much in terms of Arashi fic, it was certainly fun to write something a little bit different, and I'm really pleased with how it turned out~

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Nino wasn't sure which this particular time, however, would fall under. This time when he was cautiously making his way down the hallway of the journalist temp agency he'd been slowly adjusting himself to over the last couple of months. His feet made only the tiniest of pitters as he crossed the gaudily patterned carpet, limp paper held between his hands acting as a sort of summons with his name in bold print just beneath the letterhead.

He wasn't sure whether to be scared shitless or thankful that he was finally being given an opportunity.

Nino'd never gone to college. Hadn't ever received any higher education. Everything he'd learned came from his experience on the job writing for his local paper up in Saitama Prefecture. Moving to Tokyo had seemed like such a good decision at the time - bigger and better things, shinier and more tantalizing prospects. Everything a guy in his mid-twenties could hope for.

What he hadn't expected was to get turned away at every opportunity, an overabundance of unemployed laborers in an economy with few if any employment opportunities. In vain, and slight desperation, if his looming rent checks had anything to do with his decision-making process, he'd applied to a rather shady-looking temp agency that'd been advertised in the Asahi Shinbun, and to his surprise had been hired on as a part-time secretary, part-time reporter.

More like full-time secretary, given how his ass never left his office chair during the eight hours he spent daily in the office. Which was why he couldn't help but be a bit speculative of the summons letter that'd been waiting for him on his desk when he'd arrived.

_Urgent_

It said.

_Tell no one_

It said.

Yet the letter had been wide-open for anyone in the office to read. And the words had been typed in an outrageously large font.

Muttering to himself as he reread the sparsely worded note, his feet took him up the two flights of stairs to the top floor. He rounded the corner and found himself face to face with a long wall spreading the entire length of the building. A single door stood out in the center, and above it, a bare lightbulb dangled morosely.

Furrowing his eyebrows, he took a step to the door, looking down at the letter, and then back to the door. There was no office number, but the note simply said "third floor", and this appeared to be the only door. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and rapped his knuckles against the wood.

"Come in."

The response was immediate.

When had his heart begun beating so loudly?

Licking his lips, his hand curled around the handle and he slowly pushed the door open with a horrendous creak.

The room was dim, the only window covered by a heavy curtain, leaving the task of lighting the room to the ill-fitting chandelier suspended from the ceiling. It smelled like mold, and must, and cigarette smoke.

He didn't see anyone in the room.

Eyes flitting around, he padded his way to the center, sending a leering glance at the chandelier above him.

"Hello...?"

His tongue felt thick in his mouth, the air around him heavy.

Maybe he should have disregarded the note.

" _NINOMIYA_ Kazunari..."

Nino's heart jumped up into his chest. Shoulders popping up and practically knocking into his jaw, his feet left the ground as he jumped to the side, pupils the size of pencil lead.

He spun around towards the sound of the voice.

To be met with the cold, hard gaze of a man leaning against the wall, hat pulled down over one eye and a cigarette pressed between his lips.

"Seems we've got a jumper here."

"Not as good as some of the others we've had."

Nino spun back around at the new voice, the previously empty desk at the front of the room now occupying a man with one leg dangling off the edge and the other bent upwards to support his elbow. He was twirling his own cigarette between his fingers.

"We've been watching you _very_ closely, Ninomiya Kazunari..."

Nino's eyebrows furrowed with worry. "You have?"

"Eh, that's a lie. We picked your name at random on the computer this morning." The second man let his leg fall down to the floor and he got to his feet.

"But don't worry, because from now on we _plan_ on watching you very closely..." The first man was suddenly at his side, his height forcing him to lean over considerably to allow his squinty eyes a (too) close view of Nino's face.

Nino instinctively leaned away, unease prickling along the back of his neck. "Have I done something wrong?"

"Hardly, my good lad."

Nino felt himself bump into someone as he leaned back and instinctively gave a start, twisting his head to see the second man now quite within his personal bubble. His face grew closer and closer until their noses practically touched.

He got a big whiff of cigarette smoke in his face.

"We simply need someone to go out on the job today."

"Job?" Nino's ears perked up despite the extraordinary degree of discomfort he was currently experiencing.

"Yes, indeed!" A hat was plopped onto his head and a strong arm wrapped itself around his shoulder. "The Tainocchi Underground and Uncanny News Association of Alphanumeric Appeal-"

" _TUNA_ , for short," whispered from the second man.

"-needs _you_ , that's right, _you_ , Ninomiya Kazunari, to aid us in our goal of journalistic domination!" The tall man was waving his hand out in front of him as if looking out across a rich landscape of mesmerizing colors.

It was silent.

Nino blinked.

"...what, uh... what exactly do I have to do?"

The shorter man leaned back and pulled a notepad out of his pocket. "Ah, it's just a quick little report work. Gussan called in sick today - poor dear, he has a bad back you know."

Nino pulled the hat off his head as he got another whiff of cigarette smoke in his face.

"Inocchi. The nocchi of Tainocchi." The taller man's hand was in his without him even having offered it. He gave it a vigorous shake.

The other man grabbed his opposite hand, twisting Nino's arms in quite the opposite directions they were supposed to twist. "And I'm Taichi. The brains of Tainocchi."

"...it's a... pleasure...?" Nino's head was jerking back and forth at the force of the handshakes.

"Come, come, come, come, come..." Inocchi grabbed him around the shoulders once again, abruptly twisting him around on his heels and marching him to the nearby chair, pushing him down. Taichi followed close behind, shoving a cigarette between his lips and igniting it with a flick from his lighter. Nino let out a cough around the foreign object in his mouth, feeling tears build up in his eyes.

There was a slam on his knees and suddenly a bundle of papers was in his lap.

Taichi planted his rear back on the desk, crossing his legs and taking an extra-large puff from his cigarette. He rubbed at the mustache stubble forming beneath his nose. "There was an incident at the Pompeii China Cafe."

Nino couldn't see what was written on the papers through the tears now filling up his eyes. He pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and gagged. "...an incident?"

Inocchi slammed his hand on the desk and looked up to some far away spot in the room. "We don't know anything other than that!"

Taichi nodded solemnly. "Indeed. All we know is that the police were contacted exactly 31 minutes ago."

Nino rubbed at his eyes until he could finally see again. "How do you know that?"

There was a short pause, and then both Inocchi and Taichi turned towards each other with identical leering grins.

Taichi turned back to Nino. "We have our ways."

Nino pursed his lips uncertainly. His eyes went back to the papers in his lap. "...so then, I'm supposed to...?"

"Find out everything you can, of course!" Inocchi's finger was pointed straight in his face. "Report to the scene and question everyone. We want no stone left unturned! No secret left undivulged! No mystery left unresolved!"

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE." Taichi slammed his hands down on the desk. "We can't let Higashi over at the Daily Budoukai trample all over us again! You must cut straight to the core and rip the lid off of it!" He was jabbing his cigarette at Nino now, ash crumbling off into his face with each wave.

At just that moment there was a click from behind them, and the horrendous creak that Nino'd just had to endure from the office door returned to his ears. Taichi and Inocchi's eyes both flew to the sound, Taichi's large ears perking out curiously.

"Ah, Matsumoto, perfect timing." Inocchi's grin spread across his face.

"Ninomiya, we'd like you to meet your partner for this assignment." The cigarette was back to Taichi's mouth as he took a nonchalant puff towards the ceiling.

Nino's eyes widened questioningly as he turned around in his chair. He pushed his hair out of his face, wiped at the remnants of tears on his cheeks...

...and then let out a groan.

xxxxxxxx

"So this is where you disappeared to, huh?"

Nino bumbled along after Jun as the two of them made their way down the side of the road. Jun was taking especially large steps, making it impossible for Nino to keep up without jogging every couple of seconds.

"I don't know what you mean by 'disappeared'."

"D-i-s-a-p-p-e-a-..." Nino pursed his lips together. "Anyway, you know very well what I mean. You didn't even say goodbye. Tell anyone you were leaving. You were just gone."

Jun didn't even look over at him. "I didn't have any reason to stay, so why should I have?"

Nino's jaw dropped into a pout, but his eyes remained fixed on Jun's backside as he hurried to catch up once more.

"So what, now you're employed by some weirdoes that run a shady... I don't even know what to call it. Reporting temp agency? I see you've really moved up in the world, Jun."

At this, Jun did stop, turning around so suddenly Nino nearly rammed into his back.

"Coming from someone who's now employed by the same agency."

Jun's eyes bored down into his and he instinctively shrank back, the same way he'd done so many times in the past. He didn't respond. Jun waited another moment and then spun back on his heels to continue walking.

It had been five years ago that the two of them had won the local amateur journalists award together. Five years, two big stories, and one downward tumbling confrontation.

Nino's face hardened in a combination of frustration and annoyance. The heels of his shoes clicked against the side-walk as he dashed forward to stay in step.

Jun hadn't changed. He was the same as he'd been five years ago. The same unyielding, stony-eyed presence that'd been haunting his life since the fateful day Nino'd decided to become a reporter.

Jun would _never_ change.

Turning to the right as they passed the next building, they were met with an onrush of police, reporters and onlookers, a pandemonium akin to rush hour at Shibuya Station. Nino felt his feet stick to the cold concrete as his eyes roved the throng of people. Jun didn't even bat an eye, making a bee-line straight into the mass.

"Shit." Nino shook his head to right himself, then dashed forward, not wanting to lose sight of the other man's gangly form.

The Pompeii Cafe was a cozy-sized building with a small outside seating area and a shiny red door leading to its interior. Currently, however, the outside seating area was being blocked off by police barricades and uniformed men stood at every opening, warding off the onlookers and reporters who were trying to get a glimpse inside.

Nino caught up to Jun just as he was flashing one of the guards some sort of badge. They were immediately let through.

Nino blinked in wonder for a moment. "What the hell was that?"

"'Reporting temp agency', hm?" Jun raised an eyebrow before pushing the door to the cafe open and stepping inside. Nino grumbled under his breath.

The inside of the cafe, while still housing more people than its design should probably have allowed, was considerably subdued compared to its exterior. Letting himself heave a sigh a relief, Nino's head swerved around to take in his new surroundings, immediately taking note of where the vast majority of police and investigators were gathered around.

The two of them made their way over, Jun's hand in his pocket and sliding out a sleek notepad.

Nino did likewise.

The sight when they reached the scene of the crime was indeed interesting. Mountains of food were scattered atop one of the tables, and the chair in front of it had been tipped all the way backwards, the man sitting in it now sprawled across the ground. He was a mess - face and shirt and greasy black hair smothered with bits of food and sauces. His mouth was open with his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Can I ask you what happened here, officer?" Jun's voice rang smooth from his lips.

The officer in question had his hat in his hands, idly turning it in circles with his fingers. "We're not really sure as of yet, actually. We're attempting to finish gathering information from the witnesses."

A short ways from their little half-circle, a throng of sobbing women were being comforted by a female investigator. Their clothes were gaudy and outlandish, huge loop earrings and hair done up with hairspray in ungodly buns and knots.

"He just kept eating... and _eating_..."

"We couldn't get him to stop! It was horrible!"

One of the other officers near Nino was glancing through the documents on his clipboard. "...Nagase Tomoya. Thirty-three years old. Business card indicated that he was a self-renowned 'retailer of pleasure'."

Nino noticed Jun's hand scribbling away at his notepad and let his eyes drift over. The word 'pimp' was written with three bold underlines.

"Tomie---!!" There was another grating sob from the group of women.

The investigator who'd been examining Nagase's body stood up, packing away some of the forensic tools he'd been using into his pack. "We obviously won't know any more results until we take him into the lab and run tests on his blood and stomach matter... but at the moment, there are no outward indications of damage, discoloration, or preliminary signs of poisoning."

The female investigator from earlier turned towards them, running a hand through her hair. "So what you're saying is that he really could have eaten himself to death."

The forensic specialist shook his head in resignation. "We still don't know. But..." He glanced over at the table. "...he did eat eight whole ducks. And these two entire plates of dumplings. ...and by the looks of it at least five cups of soup."

Another sob wracked from the throat of one of the nearby girls.

Jun's pen continued to scribble away at his pad. Nino couldn't even keep up with, nor hope to read most of the short-hand.

Jun turned back to the security guard. "Where is the owner of the cafe?"

The security guard's face turned sour, lips pulled back in a cringe. He gestured his head towards the far wall before dropping his eyes back to his hat.

Nino and Jun looked over at the same time.

To where an extremely disgruntled gentleman stood leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his brows knit deep into his eyes. His hair was swept to the side with a rust-colored whoosh and a dapper mustache adorned his upper lip.

Jun leaned in towards Nino, though his eyes remained fixed on the far-off figure.

"...I'm guessing there's more to this than meets the eye."

Nino blanched for a moment at the combination of Jun's sudden proximity and the fact that he was suddenly speaking to him on normal terms.

"Don't you think this is something we should leave to the... uh... _police_?" His eyes flitted nervously about.

Jun's hand came up and slid inside the front of his coat, sliding something out until the tip of it was visible. "Don't worry. If we get into trouble, I've got it covered."

Nino's eyes widened in rapid alarm. "Why do you have a _gun_?!" His voice came out like a snake.

Jun immediately shushed him, annoyance heavy in his tone. "I know the type of cases our bosses dispatch us to." His eyes went back to the gentleman next to the wall. "We need to go speak with him."

Already starting to fear for both his safety and sanity, Nino shoved his notepad back in his pocket. When he looked up, Jun had left his side, already halfway across the room. Nino jogged to catch up, feeling more and more like a dog at Jun's heels.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you the owner of this establishment?" Jun's voice was nothing if not professional.

Nino almost tripped as he stopped at his side.

The man in question looked up at the inquisition, face sinking deeper in contempt if it was at all possible.

"What are you, some kind of reporter?"

"My name is Matsumoto Jun. I'm one of the investigators in this case. I was wondering if I couldn't ask you a few questions."

Nino gazed up in blank confusion at Jun's face. Jun ignored him.

"Whatever. You won't leave me alone until you do."

"Right, then." Jun flipped his notepad to a fresh page, clicking and unclicking his pen. "Could I get your name, sir?"

"Masayuki. Sakamoto Masayuki." He flipped his hair off to the side with a grumble.

"How long have you owned this restaurant?"

"How the hell am I supposed to remember?" Sakamoto repositioned himself against the wall, pulling a carton of cigarettes from his pocket and sliding one out with his fingers. "Ten years. Maybe it's been fifteen now."

"Has this type of incident ever happened in your restaurant before?" Jun's pen was swerving across the page.

"Fuck no, it hasn't!" Sakamoto had the cigarette to his lips and spoke through the flame from his lighter, blowing it out. "And you better damn well not blame this on me, or my place. I run a clean facility! If I lose business for this, I'm takin' it up with the city!" He got the cigarette lit and began waving it in front of their faces.

Jun seemed unfazed by the outcry. "How many people do you employ here?"

Sakamoto settled back against the wall, taking a deep drag. "Three. Don't need any more or any less."

"Can we speak to them as well?"

Nino was looking down at his shoes when Sakamoto stepped towards him and abruptly shouted near his ear.

"Hey scumbags, get your asses out here!"

A giant whiff of cigarette smoke got itself plugged up in Nino's lungs.

The three of them stood still for a moment, watching the nearby door Sakamoto'd just shouted towards, and then there was the sound of footsteps, the door popping open and three people bumbling their ways out.

It was a sorry sight, to say the least. Nino's eyes roved disapprovingly over each one, their hair unkempt, their faces and hands greasy, and their clothes a mess. Two of them in particular looked like skinny twigs, already ruffled clothing hung low on their bony shoulders.

"Sakamoto, sir."

The two twigs bowed. The other one was a beat behind, his eyes gazing off towards nowhere in particular.

"These men want to talk to you!" Sakamoto emphasized his statement by flinging an arm out and promptly smacking Nino in the face.

Three sets of eyes turned towards them expectantly.

Jun offered them a warm smile. "You're the three that work under Sakamoto's supervision?"

Three nods.

"Can I get your names?"

Sakamoto laughed around his cigarette. "I call the one on the left Gramps, the one in the middle Turdtot, and this one here is usually Pudgy Buns."

Jun's eyebrows twitched, but the smile didn't leave his face. "I was asking _them_ , Mr. Sakamoto."

"Right, right, whatever..." Sakamoto leaned back against the wall.

"You on the right, your name is?"

The man in question brought his eyes up lethargically, lips slightly parted. Nino couldn't help but think he might be high on something.

"His name is Ohno Satoshi." The answer came from the one in the middle, who Jun turned towards next.

"And you?"

"Aiba Masaki." This was followed by a pout.

"And you?"

"J-Joshima Shigeru, sir." The man on the left immediately tilted his head down as though trying to hide, skin of his neck pressed against the oversized dog-collar that was secured around his throat.

Jun jotted down more notes onto his pad. "How long have you been employed at the Pompeii Cafe?"

The three of them looked at each other questioningly. Ohno raised a hand up and poked at his nose, the other two whispered between themselves.

Finally - "It's been quite some time. We were hired shortly after the cafe opened." This came from Aiba.

"What kinds of tasks do you do around the cafe?"

It was Aiba who spoke up again. "Ohno cooks and prepares the meals. Shige and I handle the orders and do all the cleaning."

"I see."

Nino's eyes traveled between each of them. When his gaze met Joshima's, the other man's head twisted away with a jerk.

"Now... did you happen to notice anything off today in the cafe? Anything strange that you may not have put too much thought into? Or just something that seemed out of place?"

More glances between the three of them. Aiba shook his head. Joshima made a gesture with his hands.

"No, sir." Aiba licked his lips in apparent discomfort.

"Had any of you met the man in question - Nagase Tomoya - before?"

The answer came much quicker this time - three sets of head shakes.

Jun finished up his writing, tongue poking out the side of his lips as he scrutinized his notes. Finally, he flipped the pad back shut and strung his pen through the wire binding.

"Alright, that will be all of my questions for now. As we continue the investigation, I'll be back to ask more, I'm sure."

Sakamoto puffed impatiently off to the side. "Are you done with them now? They need to get back to the kitchen and get the dinner prep going."

"I'm finished, Mr. Sakamoto."

"Alright, get back in there, ya lazy asses!" Sakamoto waved them away, giving Joshima's shoulders a shove towards the door. The three of them scampered off without another word and soon disappeared behind the kitchen door.

"I assume you're done with me then, as well?"

"We are indeed, Mr. Sakamoto. Though your continued cooperation will be most helpful, as I'm sure there will be many more questions in the future."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Nino's eyes focused on the way the cigarette bobbed up and down between his lips.

Sakamoto turned towards him and blew an extra-large puff into his face. "You ever talk, short stuff?"

Nino coughed in response.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Can I ask you again what exactly we're doing?"

Jun glanced over from next to him, that same pressed expression Nino had already had directed at him more than ten times that day etched across his features. He drew back the black hood that was covering half his face. "We're infiltrating."

Nino squirmed uncomfortably on the cold ground, leaning his head back against the rear wall of the Pompeii Cafe. "We're not criminal investigators here! This is ridiculous!"

"Tainocchi sent us here to get the scoop - and that's exactly what we're going to retrieve. Besides, there's something incredibly fishy going on here as it is, and I think we have a duty to solve it."

Nino rolled his eyes. "You seriously call them that?"

"Of course I do." Jun's eyes roved him callously. "And wear your concealing cloak properly." He reached a hand over and yanked the hood of Nino's cloak back over his head.

"This is moronic."

"Stop being so obtuse."

"We're gonna get arrested for breaking and entering."

"You make it sound like we're planning on getting caught."

Nino grumbled under his breath, already remembering why his and Jun's relationship had ultimately crumbled in the first place.

"Well, I'm cold."

Jun ignored his last complaint and slid his rear end across the frost-covered grass towards the nearest window. The lights in the cafe were dark - darker than the black night already concealing them. There was something foreboding about it that curled up in Nino's stomach and sat like a big, fat stone.

"Come on, you."

Nino's mouth drew back in a cringe - "I have a name, you know" - but he followed along behind Jun anyway.

Jun paused beneath the window, lips pursed and eyes searching their environs. After a few moments, he slid his back up the side of the building until he was to his feet, turning on his heels to face the window before giving it a shove with the heels of his hands.

It slid up with surprising ease.

"Well, that was simple."

"Almost _too_ simple..."

"Would you stop thinking everything's some kind of conspiracy?" Nino stood up beside Jun, the small black penguin to Jun's taller version. "Now let's just get this over already."

"Right." Jun's eyes went from the window, then back to Nino, then back to the window again. "Can you reach?"

Nino paused.

Nino paused for quite some time.

"I don't know."

He bit down on the inside of his cheek in frustration.

"I'll push you up. Here, use my hands as a step." Jun got down to his knees, which almost gave Nino an excuse to make a dirty joke, but he restrained himself and begrudgingly raised his foot to Jun's hands. He couldn't help but feel slightly pleased that it left a wet, muddy stain across the other man's palms.

Jun grunted as he pushed upwards, and Nino did his best to direct himself towards the window. It didn't work quite as planned however, which resulted in him nearly falling back to the ground, using Jun as a support, and then getting himself quite entangled all around Jun's face to the extent that the other man couldn't see anything.

"You idiot, go in the window!"

"I'm having some difficulty, here!"

"Your vile crotch is right in my face!"

"Right where it should be!"

Jun let out a rather angered huff and pushed himself towards the building, slamming Nino into the side of it and prompting his body to slide down and into the open window. He slithered inside like a worm before smacking against the tiled floor below. Jun himself was quick to follow.

"That hurt, dipshit!" Nino rubbed his considerably sore head as he pushed himself up from the floor.

"You deserved it." Jun was busy brushing himself off and straightening his jacket beneath his cloak. He pushed the hood off and began searching about the room.

"I can't see anything. And what are we even looking for anyway?" Nino bumped into a nearby counter and yelped.

A few moments later the room was bathed in light, forcing Nino's hands to his eyes as the sudden brightness sent sword-like shocks straight to his retinas. "Good-god, warn me before you do that!"

Jun walked away from the light-switch. "Stop whining and start looking around for anything suspicious."

"I'll show you something suspicious..." Tears of strain built up in the corners of Nino's eyes.

Jun took off at once, searching the premises. They'd fallen ever so gracefully into the kitchen, and were now surrounded by counters atop a faded checkered tile. A grease-encrusted oven stood in one corner opposite an economy-sized refrigerator. In the center stood an island with ample space for cooking, of which plenty had been done by the look of things - stains and pieces of grime littered the top of it, and various utensils remained scattered about. Above the island hung an assortment of pots and pans, gleaming in the fluorescent light from the whiny bulb in the ceiling.

"I'm not finding anything." Nino hadn't moved from his spot.

"You're not even looking!" Jun shot him a look of frustration before returning to browsing the contents of the refrigerator.

Nino took a step and stubbed his toe on the grimy plastic sink in the corner. He was sick of this already.

Fifteen minutes into their "search", Jun's head popped up from the opposite corner of the room with a little shout. "I've found something!"

Nino glanced over uninterested. "What, pray tell, did you find?"

"There's a secret door."

"A secret door?" This brought him over. His feet pittered across the tile until he was standing beside Jun, both of them now staring down at the floor.

It certainly appeared to be some sort of trap door. It was half-covered by a dirty maroon rug, but there was clearly a squarish outline, and a bump from Jun's foot to push the rug further out of the way revealed a small brass handle.

"Now this is _very_ suspicious."

"It's probably just a food storage or something. It's not that unusual for restaurants, you know."

"Well, then why would it be so concealed?" Jun knelt down and traced his finger over the outline of the trap-door. "We need to see what's down there."

Nino let out a sigh of resolution. "Fine, whatever. Let's go. If this turns out like Children of the Corn or something, I'm blaming you."

"You're so disagreeable."

"More like _reasonable_."

Jun tugged open the door with a creak.

The lights in the room went out.

Nino felt his heart leap in his chest, eyes struggling to make out anything in the sudden darkness. "What the hell?!" He felt out with his hands, searching for Jun, searching for a wall, searching for anything.

A few seconds later, there was a crushing pressure on his head before he lost consciousness.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Nino came to, he found that he very much couldn't move. There was a tightness about his wrists, and his arms had been done up behind him while he sat in what he assumed was some sort of chair - an old rickety one, if the way it refused to keep his weight balanced had anything to say about it.

He shook his head to clear out his mind, as well as shake the hair out of his eyes. He blinked once. Then twice.

What the fuck was going on.

Jun was next to him in a situation quite similar to his own, though his eyes were already open, and his mouth was pressed tight in an obvious state of frustration.

They were in a small room with no windows, the walls made of cold, gray concrete blocks, and a single light-bulb dangling from the ceiling to offer them light.

"Jun... where are...?"

"Shut up, Nino." It was hissed under the other man's breath.

Nino took immediate offense, fire rising up from his belly. "What are you taking this out on _me_ for?! This was all your idea in the first place! _I_ was the one being reasonable! God, Jun, you haven't changed at all! It's no wonder we--"

" _No, I mean shut UP, Nino!_ " Jun's eyes pierced through him.

But it was too late.

"They're awaaaaake~!!"

The voice came from the door to their left, and all at once there was a shuffling of movement, a racket even, a clamoring of chairs and metal, and then a figure bounded into the room to stand before them.

Though perhaps stand wasn't quite the word to describe it, as the man was up on the tips of his toes and leering down at them, a strange little gleaming smile stretched across his face.

Nino's brows furrowed together. "Hey, you're one of those dupes from earlier."

"Does this mean I get to play now? I wanna cut something!!" Another voice, a rush of footsteps and then a second figure was beside the first. The first thing Nino noticed was the very large pair of scissors he had clasped at the ready in his hands.

As if on cue, the last figure finally trudged into the room, same calm, complacent expression on his face that Jun and Nino had had the privilege of seeing earlier that very day.

"I knew there was something suspicious about the three of you from the very start." Jun glowered up towards the middle one, jutting his chin out in displeasure.

Aiba jumped up and down in place, leaning down over Jun and pushing a finger into his nose. "You're the ones who had to go poke, poke, poking around where you weren't wanted!" He emphasized each 'poke' with a literal poke to Jun's nose.

Joshima chopped the blades of his scissors together with a weasel-like chuckle. "I won't mess them up too much, I promise!"

Nino's eyes were wide as he shook his foot out in front of him in a pointless defense measure. "Keep those weed cutters away from me!"

Ohno walked mildly over and took a hold of the front of Joshima's dog collar, jerking it down. Joshima whined in protest.

"There was a murder in your restaurant! Did you really expect there to not be repercussions?" Jun pushed Aiba's hand away with a jerk of his head. "And you'll never be able to keep us here either - the police will be back tomorrow for more investigations as it is! You won't be able to keep this little room down a here a secret much longer."

"W-we only did what we had to do!" Joshima pulled away from Ohno, eye twitching. "We couldn't go on like that anymore!"

Aiba folded his arms in front of his chest morosely. "It wasn't supposed to turn out the way it did! It was simply a miscalculation!"

Ohno looked pointedly at Aiba.

Aiba paused for a moment, then glowered back. "It wasn't my fault! _You're_ the cook! You're the one who was in charge of making sure it got in the right plate!"

"I knew he would mess it up! He _always_ messes things up!" Joshima threw his hands in the air, scissors going flying and practically giving Nino a fresh shave.

Ohno glared coldly back in Joshima's direction, arm jutting out to poke his chest and causing his entire frame to jerk backwards.

Aiba joined in, one finger pointed in the air disapprovingly. "Ohno's right - it was _your_ job to make sure the right plates got to the right people!"

Joshima began visibly trembling as his shoulders hunkered forward in rage. "Oh, so this is all _my_ fault now?!" He pulled a giant hand-saw from who-knows-where and raised it above his head with a murderous gleam in his eyes.

"WILL SOMEBODY FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Nino was to his feet, chair dragged behind him and weighing his hands down.

The clamor stopped instantly, the three in front of him glancing back in surprise and Jun giving him a rather astonished look to his right.

After a few moments of silence, Nino dropped back into his chair with a slump.

Aiba coughed into his hand.

Joshima dropped his hand-saw with a sigh of woe.

Ohno blinked silently.

Jun took the initiative from Nino. "Yes, if we could just know what's going on here..."

"We're being abused, is what's going on here!" Aiba jerked his thumb into his own chest. "Years and years of abuse, ingratitude, and constant fear from... from that _man_ who thinks he _owns_ us!" His other hand shot towards the far door.

Joshima immediately hunkered down in on himself, whining like a scared puppy. "He hurts us."

Ohno nodded morosely and began stroking the top of Joshima's head.

Nino's eyebrows furrowed. "You mean Sakamoto?"

The three of them hissed, drawing back in fear.

"We're like his slaves! All he does is yell at us and slap us around! Nothing we ever do is good enough!" Aiba pounded his fist into his hand for extra emphasis. "We can't go on like this anymore, it'll kill us! For god's sake, Shige over there isn't even all right in the head anymore!"

Joshima's tongue hung out of his mouth and he started sniffing at Ohno's crotch.

"And I don't remember the last time Ohno said a single word!"

Ohno raised a finger up in protest, opening his mouth. Then he paused, shook his head with a shrug, and pushed Joshima's head away.

Jun raised an eyebrow questioningly. "So what, you kill some random pimp that comes into your restaurant?"

Aiba brought his hands to his hips. "It wasn't supposed to be him! That plate was supposed to go to Sakamoto!" There were nods from the other two. "It was my greatest concoction yet! I spent months devising that thing!" Aiba raised his fist in the air. "A scentless, tasteless formula that would create the insatiable, never-ending urge to eat and eat and eat in whoever drank it! It was perfect - nothing that could ever show up in drug tests!"

Joshima started sawing at the ground with his saw. "He really did spend months in that lab of his."

Nino continued to look bored. "Yeah, that's all good and well and all, but now there's an innocent man dead because he ate himself to death."

Aiba opened his mouth to say something, then paused, and closed it again, face contorting. His pursed his lips together and glanced back at the two next to him before returning his gaze to Nino.

Nino just plastered his most winning smile on his face.

"What exactly are you planning to do with us, then?" This came from Jun.

Aiba raised a finger, Ohno thumped his chin, and Joshima leapt to his feet with a particularly demented giggle - when all at once the building gave an awful shake.

It felt like an earthquake, the walls around them shaking, a horrible crumbling boom echoing from above, the sound of wood snapping apart and a whole multitude of kitchen utensils getting blown away all at once.

The three on their feet looked horrified towards the ceiling, Aiba's hands braced to his sides. Nino and Jun gave each other worried looks before their eyes went skyward as well.

It lasted for a minute or so.

Then the vibrations ceased and the cacophony from above their heads settled into nothing.

Everyone was silent.

Finally, Aiba's voice came out hesitant and shaken. "What was that...?"

And then there was a voice - loud but muffled at the same time. As if from a loudspeaker. "Alright, you bags of mutton-meat. I know you're in there, so get your whiny, no-good asses out here before I have to blow up the rest of the building!"

"Sakamoto!" Aiba bit down on his lip. Behind him, Joshima covered his head with his hands and started whimpering.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" Nino's eyes were wide with abject horror and disbelief.

Jun was still glancing nervously at the ceiling. "Did he really just... blow up the building...?"

Aiba spun around on his heels with an abrupt jerk, facing his companions. "This is a call to war, men! We can no longer cower in fear! We can no longer let that man walk all over us! This is the time for us to fight back - free ourselves! So get up off the floor!"

Ohno's face hardened in response, lower lip trembling with expectation. He brought his arm up and clenched his hand into a fist. Behind him, Joshima leapt to his feet, procuring six hand grenades from who-knows-where while his mouth stretched into a demonic grin.

Without so much as another word, the three of them raced out of the room, the sounds of their footsteps echoing up the stairs reverberating in their wake.

It was silent again.

Nino looked over at Jun.

Jun looked over at Nino.

"Now what?"

Jun bit his lip with an amused little grin. "We get ourselves free, I guess."

"How are you possibly smiling at a time like this? I thought we were going to be butchered alive or something!" Nino's mouth stretched into a wide pout.

"Oh come now, you have to admit that this is a pretty exciting, hm?"

"I prefer my excitement with a little less threat of imminent _death_ , personally."

"Oh, stop bitching and scoot your chair over here. We can try to untie each other."

Nino grumbled loudly under his breath but did as he was told, getting to his feet and dragging his chair along behind him. He sat back down in it behind Jun, facing away from him and towards the other wall. Soon he could feel Jun's hands on his as the other man felt around for the rope fastening his wrists together.

They were warm.

Nino blew his hair out of his eyes nonchalantly. "So... you've been doing a lot of this kind of shit, huh?"

"I guess you could say that." Jun's thin fingers pulled and tugged at the ropes.

"Who knew Tokyo was such a crazy place."

"It certainly has its moments."

Nino turned his head to the side, as if Jun would even be able to tell. "...you like it here?"

"I do."

"Glad you left?"

Jun was silent.

Above them, the faint sound of explosions could be heard reverberating through the walls.

"...there were things I missed."

Nino stared down at his legs, focusing on the way Jun's hands felt so close to his. He chewed on the inside of his cheek idly.

Just as he raised his head to say something more, he felt his hands pull free from each other.

"Ah, I got it!"

Nino stood up from his chair, enjoying his rekindled freedom. He rubbed at his wrists, annoyed by the red marks the ropes had left behind.

"Now undo me too, mister!" Jun's head was turned around his shoulder, and the pouty demand that was etched across his face brought memories of his and Jun's first couple of years together floating up into Nino's head.

"I'ma gettin' there, I'ma gettin' there." He knelt down behind Jun's chair and had the knot done in a few seconds - much easier when one's eyesight was there to aid him.

There was another series of muffled booms from above them. They both turned their heads up to look at the ceiling.

"So now what, we ditch this lemonade stand?" Nino dusted his hands off.

Jun pushed himself up from his chair, idly rubbing at his wrists. "Yeah, I suppose even I would say that's our best plan at this point. The police will be here soon to wrap everything up, and then we'll have our story, hm?" He tilted an eyebrow upwards with a winning smile.

"Story, story, story, the hell with the story. I'd prefer just getting out of here unscathed." Nino started for the door, peeking his head around the corner and getting to see for the first time, the so-called "lab" that the three lunatics had mentioned earlier. More like a kid's chemistry set in his dad's workshop, really. He left that aside and headed for the steps, Jun on his heels.

Upon reaching the top, he pushed open the trap door.

Only to be engulfed by an incredible heat as soon as his head left the safety of the basement.

He let out an abrupt cough as smoke filled his lungs, covering his hand with his mouth and squinting against the murky kitchen.

Or what had originally _been_ the kitchen.

The kitchen itself was gone, blasted to smithereens. The walls had collapsed, and some of the appliances lay scattered around on their sides, scorch marks lining their metallic surfaces. Here and there, bits of shrapnel lay glowing with miniature flames.

"The fuck!" Nino's eyes were watering.

"What's going on?" Jun's voice came from below him.

"Die, motherfuckers, die!"

Sakamoto's voice could be heard above the din. Nino shielded his eyes against the heat. He could see Sakamoto's form across the street, wielding what appeared to be a rather large flaming-projectile spewing weapon.

Nino glanced back down at Jun. "Insanity, that's what's going on."

There was a sudden movement just to his left, and he twisted his head around to see their hapless group of captors dashing about in the rubble in order to escape what appeared to be a flaming tennis ball that Sakamoto had just sent screaming over.

Joshima retaliated with a high-pitched peal of laughter, launching a grenade in Sakamoto's direction. There was a yelp from Sakamoto as the other man sprinted away to dodge the resulting explosion.

Jun's head came up to join Nino's as he stared in bewilderment at the wasteland that had once been the Pompeii Cafe.

Ohno calmly picked up a beam from the ruined framework, wielding it one hand like a javelin before sending it sailing across the street and almost taking Sakamoto's head with it.

"Fascist! Oppressor of the proletariat!" Aiba's hands were cupping the sides of his mouth, voice straining against the noise of the ruckus around him.

" _Guy_ in _charge_!" Sakamoto let out another barrage of flaming tennis balls.

Nino turned towards Jun. "Well."

Jun turned towards Nino. The sides of his mouth twisted downwards in an expression of resignation. "...we run for it?"

"That's more like it!" Nino pulled himself up out of the trap door, dusting himself off before reaching a hand back in for Jun. Jun took it freely, and soon the two of them were attempting to run across the piles of surrounding rubble. " _Attempting_ " because it was considerably difficult finding a safe path through the burning shrapnel, and the continuing rain of flaming tennis balls wasn't helping their situation any.

Nino narrowly avoided whacking his shin on a particularly sharp piece of shattered shelving while also ducking to dodge Joshima's grenade lob. His lungs burned in his chest as he dropped to his knees in hopes of staying clear of Sakamoto's vision - not wanting to direct any unwanted attention their way given the very obvious mental instability the other man was currently displaying.

He glanced back - Jun was still a few clips behind him, huffing and puffing as he twisted his way around the spilled contents of the flame-broiled refrigerator.

"Jun!" Nino beckoned with his hand.

Jun looked up at his call.

And promptly tripped over a half-melted saucepan.

He went down hard, sprawled out in the rubble and disappearing from Nino's vision.

" _Jun!_ " A jolt of fear ran up through Nino's spine as his hand reached out uselessly.

Across the street, Sakamoto's wild yelling stopped for a moment. Nino got to his feet, heart thumping in his chest.

"You! Reporter! This is all your fault!" Sakamoto jerked his gun towards the area Jun had fallen. He cocked the handle. "Thanks for ruining my life!" He brought the sight up to his eye, finger curling around the trigger.

" _No!_ " Nino ran out before he could stop himself, planting his feet firmly into the dirt in front of Jun and throwing his arms wide in a protective gesture. "You're gonna have to get through me first, fucker."

Sakamoto lowered the gun in surprise, spitting on the ground. "Short stuff! You _do_ talk!"

"You're goddamn right, I do! And there's no way I'm letting you touch him!" His breath was stilted, coming out in short little bursts, but his voice was clear as a bell as it rang out through the smoky wasteland.

Behind him, the three former Pompeii cafe employees stared at him in wonder.

Behind him, Jun was gazing up at his back in amazement.

Sakamoto laughed. "Ah, well, doesn't matter to me if you talk or don't talk. You won't be able to even if you wanted to in just a bit here." He grinned wickedly and brought the sight of the gun back to his eye, tongue poking out the side of his mouth as he repositioned his finger on the trigger.

Nino's head screamed at him and his heart was practically beating out of his chest, but he held his ground, bracing his feet against the dirt and slamming his eyes shut.

Everything was silent.

And then.

"ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE A'YOU FUCKERS WANTS TO DIE FIRST?"

Nino's eyes opened with a start and all heads turned towards the new voice.

Taichi cocked his machine gun and aimed it out across the burning rubble, insane grin spread across his face and overly large cigar poking out the side of his mouth.

"You!" Nino's eyebrows twisted in confusion.

"B-boss?" Jun leaned forward from his place on the ground.

Just behind Taichi and kneeling nervously with his hands to his ears, Inocchi was glancing back and forth between Taichi and the scene in front of them.

Sakamoto turned with an enraged huff, pointing his own gun at the newcomers. "Who the fuck are you and just what do you think you're doing?!"

Taichi's eyes narrowed in on Sakamoto, grin spreading even wider if at all possible. "Tainocchi would never let anything happen to their A+ reporting teams!" His lips shifted the cigar to the other side of his mouth. "Now eat lead!"

There was a horrified high-pitched scream as bullets began raining down into the battlefield. Sakamoto abandoned his gun, hands in the air as he scampered away as fast as he could, stumbling and slipping his way across the debris.

Inocchi covered his ears even harder, squinching his eyes shut but occasionally peeking out to see the results.

Taichi turned his head, the tiny lead points that were his pupils focusing in on the three Pompeii employees who had already started to creep away. "And don't you think you're getting away that easily either!" He swung his gun around, nearly taking off Nino's head with the rain of bullets and forcing him to drop to the ground, falling on top of Jun.

There was another series of yelps, Aiba jumping about ten feet in the air before he was running off in the alley between two nearby buildings. Ohno's face lost its calm demeanor for the first time as he scuttled off in the opposite direction, hands to his rear end as if he'd been burned with a hot poker. Joshima dropped his remaining grenades and stumbled through the surrounding shrapnel, making it to the middle of the street before he tripped, flying forward to sprawl on the ground.

Taichi aimed his gun down at him, one eye narrowing. Joshima looked back, shoulders heaving and face a strange mixture of encouragement and solicitation as his breath came out in shallow pants. After a long couple of seconds, Taichi cursed under his breath and tore the gun away, fingers taking a hold of his cigar so he could blow out a deep puff of smoke.

Joshima scampered off without a second thought.

Inocchi got to his feet, finally taking his hands away from his ears, expression etched with confusion.

He waved his hand out in a grandiose manner. "You let him get away!"

Taichi continued to puff at his cigar apathetically. "I don't shoot things I've stuck my dick in."

Inocchi slapped his own forehead. "What have I told you about sticking your dick in questionable places?!"

Taichi growled, turning to face the other man with a frown. "And what have I told you about wearing that stupid hat?!" He reached up and grabbed said hat from Inocchi's head, slamming it on the ground and immediately jumping about on top of it.

Inocchi started screaming like a woman as he tried to pull Taichi away from the head accessory.

Back in the pile of rubble, Nino pushed himself up from his position on Jun, looking away in embarrassment when Jun gave him an amused little grin.

"What's that for?"

"You stood up to a crazy man with a flamethrower for me."

Nino coughed in his hand, cheeks hot. "It uh... it wasn't a flamethrower. It was, you know... a flaming tennis ball... projectile... launcher..."

Thirty minutes later saw the police roping the entire area off and the fire department spraying everything down with heavy amounts of water. Smoke continued to drift up into the night sky, painting everything a thick gray color.

Tainocchi had long since disappeared, slinking off into whatever corner it was they had originally come, but Nino and Jun stayed to answer questions, and soon they were sitting with their legs hanging off the back of one of the ambulances, brown rescue blankets covering their shoulders while aides and officers made a ruckus all around them.

Jun silently rested his head on Nino's shoulder as the two watched the resulting mayhem unfold.

And Nino decided that maybe he could come to like Tokyo after all.


End file.
